I'm Shagging Who?
by Kyizi
Summary: Er...I wrote this at about 4am, I think it defies summary, but I'll try. The characters are reading fic...randomness and odd pairings ensue...
1. I'm Shagging Who?

****

I'm Shagging Who?

By Kyizi

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, and I think JKR would be very glad to hear that given this fic…

****

Rating: R, to be safe

****

Notes: I want to start out by saying a few things.

1) I have no idea where this came from.

2) Any and all fics mentioned here are not being ridiculed; I love 'em, I mention them as plugs. There will be a list with links at the end, and I highly recommend you go read them all.

3) I have no idea where this came from.

* * *

"Oh, dear lord," Hermione muttered. 

"What is it now?" Ron asked, glancing up from the rather large volume in his hands.

"Bondage!" the head girl said abruptly. "More bondage!"

Ron snorted. "Cool. This one just has us doing it in a bed. It's all rather romantic really."

"What?" Hermione asked with a frown. "Oh, this isn't you and me. It's me and Snape." If Hermione had expected an outburst, she was mistaken. It looked more like Ron had been petrified. His mouth was frozen in a goldfish position and his eyes had gone rather glassy.

"Another one, Miss Granger?" Snape asked with a sneer, reaching out and tearing the fic from her hands.

"Really, Severus," she admonished. He raised his eyebrows at the use of his given name and she rolled her eyes. "Given that you're about to read a fic where you have me tied to your wall and then proceed to fuck me senseless, _Sir_, I didn't think you'd mind."

"My God, my ears," Draco said, scrunching up his nose. "I really don't want to know about my Godfather's sex life, Granger." He turned and frowned at the youngest Weasley as she reached past him to pick up the fic he had just finished reading.

"What's slash?" Ginny murmured and Draco sniggered. "Oh, my GOD!" She threw the fic on the table. "With Harry?" she asked him, incredulously.

He leaned closer to her, his breath tickling her ear and whispered, "There's an entire batch that contain me shagging _your _brains out, if you'd prefer it, Weasley."

She shivered, but quickly sat up straight and glared at him. "In your dreams, Malfoy, in your dreams."

"Frequently, Miss Weasley," he said with a smirk, leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head.

There was a sudden burst of laughter from Harry and a clatter as he fell of his chair, falling unceremoniously onto the floor. Everyone at the table stopped what they were doing and proceeded to the spot where he lay, rather confused by the sight of the Boy Who Lived rolling on the floor, clutching his chest, laughing like a mad man.

"Harry, mate, you all right?" Ron asked, focussing all his thoughts on Harry, trying to banish the images of Hermione and Snape that were running through his head.

"Draco…" he gasped. "N-N!" And then he was away again.

"What is he on about?" Draco asked with a frown, reaching out to pic up the fic that had fallen onto the floor beside Harry. It read _The Rules of Engagement. _Draco opened it and skimmed through it with a smirk. "It's another of your favourite pairing, Weasley. Your best friend going at it with Snape."

"Harry and Snape?" Ron asked, aghast. "No wonder he went mad."

"No, the Harry/Snape ones are over there," Hermione said, "_The Mirror of Maybe_ is the top," she continued, ignoring Draco's snigger as he said, "Who's on top?" She frowned at him and continued. "You should try it first. That one" she said, indicating the fic Draco was still skimming, "is another of me with Snape."

Ron looked horrified that his friend seemed to know so much about the subject and instead turned back to Harry, who was slowly beginning to calm down._ Keep breathing, Ron, Keep breathing,_ he though. _She doesn't sound happy at the idea of shagging Snape, really she doesn't._

"As if I'd ever be like this!" Draco said, suddenly outraged.

"Keep reading," Harry managed to say with a manic giggle. 

"What do you…" Draco's eyes widened and the fic fell from his hands. He remained completely still, while Harry began to laugh in earnest again.

"What is it?" Ron finally asked.

"Oh, right, I remember," Hermione said with a smile. "That's Draco and Neville. I had to take it from Neville earlier. I don't think he appreciated it." There was a terrified whimper from across the room, where Neville was crouched in the corner, rocking back and forth with a traumatised look in his eyes.

"Why do the insist that I have school girl fantasies?" Snape muttered. He had gone back to reading his pile of fic. Draco shook himself out of his state of shock and proceeded over to his Godfather. He reached out and began to sift through the fics in front of him. 

"Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione…" he glanced at Snape with a smirk. "Being a little selective, aren't we?"

"Given that your pile seems only to consist of you fucking The Boy Who Lived To Be The Bane Of My Existance," Snape said with narrowed eyes, "I don't think you can lecture me."

"Actually, I find it all fascinating," Hermione said, returning to her seat.

"There's a surprise," Ginny muttered.

"No seriously, I mean what are the chances that all these people think that these pairings are plausible. I mean, where's the evidence?"

"Well, we could give them it now," George said with a mischievous grin. 

"What do you suggest, Weasley?" Draco drawled. "You think we should just go all out and have a full blown orgy?"

"Why not?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Harry said, looking slightly ill.

"I agree," Ginny said with a look that clearly said, "Ick!". She turned to face the twins. "Think about it. There are another six people in this room that you're _related _to." George and Fred suddenly looked like Christmas had come…that is, they had red hair and green faces. "My point exactly." Ginny turned back to the table.

"Actually, Weasley," Draco said with a smirk. "There's an entire pile of Ginny/Ron fics over there."

"That's just sick and wrong, Malfoy, shut up."

Draco looked at Harry for a moment before nodding. "For once, you're right. I'm sorry I brought it up." Harry seemed engrossed in something, and Draco moved to the other end of the table to sit by him. "What you reading?" he asked.

"_Underwater Light_," Harry said, shifting the paper so that Draco could read. 

"Wait a minute," Draco frowned, "didn't she write that one where I was Weasley's bitch?"

"You mean his rat?" Harry asked, then nodded. "Yeah, that's her." 

"That was demeaning."

"I thought it was rather endearing actually," Harry said with a smile.

"You would, Potter." Draco stole a quick kiss and turned back to the fic. 

"Aw, that's so sweet!" Lavender gushed.

"What is?" Draco asked with warning in his eyes, hoping that he wasn't about to get the next round of 'Harry and Draco Were Meant to be Together' from Gryffindork's own Trelawney. 

The look seemed to work and she turned back to her fic without answering. She suddenly seemed flushed and Draco smirked. "What _are _you reading, Miss Brown?"

Lavender didn't answer, but Pansy glanced over her shoulder and snorted. "She's reading trio fic."

"What?" Harry asked.

"Where Hermione gets to do you and Ron together. Personally, I prefer her taste in DSV. Draco and Potter. Nice." Pansy wagged her eyebrows and looked both men up and down. "Remember, my offer stands. Anytime you feel like a Pansy sandwich…"

"Ugh, what a disgusting thought!" Ron shuddered. "The two of them going at it is bad enough!"

"No it's not!" Ginny said weepily. 

Draco glanced at Harry, well aware that the youngest Weasley hadn't known about them, and a few minutes ago had seemed repulsed. Draco glanced closer and saw that she had been attacking his pile of fic. 

"This is so sweet!" she said, sniffing as she threw _Swing, Swing, Swing_ at Ron. 

"Okay, that's just anatomically impossible!" Hermione threw her fic on the desk, startling everyone. "If they're going to write me into these situations, they should at make sure I'm able to give them a go!"

Everyone looked at her as if she had grown three heads and morphed into Fluffy. She glared at them.

"Oh, come on!" she said, still a little ticked off. "I may like books, but that doesn't mean I'm all virginal."

"B-But…" Ron stuttered.

  
"But what, Ron?"

He glanced at Harry, who shrugged. "But who?" 

* * *

Okay, as I mentioned at the start, no idea where it came from, or where it's going. It's of the style of Ships That Pass Into Type, by HonorH, I know. Except, this isn't as funny! ;)

Should I continue, anyone?

****

FIC LIST

The Rules of Engagement is by GlindaTrisstt 

The Mirror of Maybe is by Midnight Blue

Underwater Light and Draco Malfoy, the Amazing Bouncing…Rat? are by Maya

Swing, Swing, Swing is by Desertrain

DSV (Draco Dormiens, Draco Veritas and Draco Sinister) is by Cassandra Claire


	2. I'm Shagging Who, Too?

"Oh, for goodness sakes, Ron, virgin and virgin_al_ do not mean _exactly _the same thing."

"So you are a virgin," he said, relief in his voice.

"I never said that."          

"You're not a virgin?"

"I never said that either," Hermione huffed. "Honestly Ron, it's none of your business!"

Ron looked at her expectantly, but Hermione turned back to the rather large fic she was reading and he slumped in his chair. He wasn't getting any more of an answer than that, and he really didn't want to think about what she could possible be reading.

He sighed and reached out to an untouched pile on his left. He picked up the top fic to find that it was relatively short. Apparently PWP, whatever that meant. He continued to scan the disclaimer and author notes, rather bored and wanting, instead, to get to the good stuff. He paused momentarily at the pairing, trying to figure out what GWHG stood for. After a moment he glared at his brother, but George was completely oblivious. He continued for a moment longer before turning to the nearest person. Unfortunately said person was Draco.

"What's femslash?" he asked.

The Slytherin rolled his eyes, glancing at the fic. "You seriously possess no higher brain function, do you?" he drawled. "Think about it, Weasel. What's slash?" Ron's face contorted into a grimace. "I see you recall reading that. Although, what could possibly be so bad about me and Harry having sex on the-"             
  
"Draco," Harry said warningly and the blond smirked and rolled his eyes.            

"Back to the matter at hand. You know what slash is, what do you think the fem is? What on earth could it possibly be short for when the listed pairing is the Granger and the mini Weasel?"

"Mini Wea-" Ron paled. "Ugh!" he protested a moment later. "Ginny and Hermione? That's just wrong!"

"Why?" Ginny asked, suddenly defensive. "What's wrong with that?"

"My, aren't we suddenly liberated after only discovering slash a few minutes ago."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "I've always known what slash was, Malfoy, I just didn't know the word. I simply didn't want the mental images of the boy I crushed on as a child doing, well, nasty things to you."

"What, you'd rather join in?"

Ginny shrugged. "Wouldn't say no. You're both hot, and a Ginny sandwich could be fun." She heard the twins and Ron spluttering but chose to ignore them. "But back to me and Hermione. What's wrong with that?"

"Yes, Ron, what is wrong with that?" Hermione asked, briskly, noting that Snape's head snapped up.

Ron looked squeamish and shifted in his chair. "I mean it is better than _Snape_," he said, not daring to look at his Potions Master. He hadn't been able to do that for a while now. "But still, she's my sister and she's…well…"

"A woman?" Hermione provided.

"Yes!"

"You would be amazed at how much fun that is to watch, Weasel." 

"She's my sister, Malfoy!"

Draco smirked. "I'm glad she's not mine. I hear redheads are real…fiery. Wouldn't mind a go sometime."

Unfortunately for Draco, he had forgotten that he was sitting next to Ron and soon found himself in a rather painful headlock. Luckily for Draco, he was still in possession of his wand and Ron seemed to have more inclination to forget he was a wizard and resort to physical violence, and less to remember to protect himself from hexes.

As Ron hit the floor, Draco straightened out his shirt, and flattened his hair, before leaning back and picking up, _Second Chances_, which he continued to read. "I am actually sickened by the fact that I had sex with Pansy."

"Hello, I'm right here," the Slytherin said with a glare. 

"I'm not blink, Parkinson," he said with a bland voice, "although, I clearly was in this fic. The kids are nice, if nothing else."

Lavender frowned. "Are you kidding, Damien is a little sh-"

"Hey, watch your mouth! That's my…theoretical son you're talking about," Draco said defensively. "Sera may be the smartest, but Damien is by far the coolest. I'd never have let him dictate my love life, though."

  
"Aren't you forgetting about Adrian?" Lavender asked. "What about him."

"He's a Hufflepuff. What more can I say."

"I certainly hope you'd be nicer to our kids, Draco," Harry said with mock severity.

Draco frowned. "In case you haven't noticed Potter, and you really should have noticed, given what I've done with it-"

"Spare my friends the details, Draco and get to the point."

"My point is that one of us lacks the correct anatomy for that one."

Harry snorted. "Not according to all those fics." He indicated a barely touched pile in the corner. Draco frowned and he smirked. "Mpreg." All the males in the room shuddered collectively…apart from Neville, who was still crouched in the corner babbling incoherently.

"Where did this conversation begin again?" George asked. "I'm rather more keen to get back my sister being gay than the thought of giving birth."

"I never said I was gay, George," Ginny said, looking up from her fic. "Although, _everyone_ in this fic is. Herm, remember lending me Lord of the Rings?" The girl nodded and she smiled. "You read _the Very Secret Diaries_ yet?"

Hermione snorted with laughter. "Oh, yes."

"Doesn't Gollum make you think of Filch a little? Oh, and isn't Legolas just Draco in these ones?"

Hermione burst out laughing. "Still the prettiest!" 

"What?" Draco asked, looking a little confused. In fact there were few people who seemed to know what the girls were talking about. "I know I'm the prettiest, but what _are_ you talking about?"

"It's a Muggle thing, Draco," Ginny said with a smile. "You wouldn't understand."

"I wouldn't want to." Draco rolled his eyes. "Where did you get it anyway?"

"Harry's bag."

Draco turned to Harry who shrugged. "So I'm a pervy hobbit fancier! If you saw those films, you'd agree." Draco remained silent, still looking at him. "Stop it." Silence. "Let's go back to talking about Ginny being gay."

"Ginny just said she isn't gay," Ron ground out.

"You're far too tense, Ron," Hermione said, "loosen up a little." When Ron glared at her she grunted in frustration. "Oh, for goodness sakes." She leaned over the empty chair separating her from Ginny, grabbed the girl and kissed her.

No one moved. 

The Weasleys watched in abject horror while the others watched in fascination. Snape even put down his latest obsession, _Veils of Illusion_, to watch. Draco noticed. 

"Hey, Uncle Severus, there's one to add to your pile of Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione, Hermione." He indicated to the kidding girls. "You can do both of them."

Draco quickly found himself pounced on by more Weasleys than he could count, and it was not until Harry finally cast a few spells that he was finally released. Ron glared at him again as Draco straightened his hair and sorted out his clothes, casting a few quick ironing spells on his robes. He sent death glares at everything with red hair, except, of course, the youngest Weasley, who was no longer in a Granger lip lock.

"Where's Percy?" Ron asked, trying to change the subject and refrain from punching the blond next to him.

"He's locked himself in that room," George said, aimlessly waving his hand in the direction of a small door to Ron's right as he settled back to read, _A Night in Paris_, noting that his twin was also reading a fic where he had Hermione in the starring role. Something about the bookishness, he decided.

"What's he doing?" Ron asked, but George ignored him and allowed his twin to answer.

"Oh, he discovered the joy that is smut. He hasn't come out of in over an hour, and judging by the noises-"

"Fred!" Ginny cried, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "That's almost as creepy as the Dumbledore/Umbridge/Harry fic I just threw out."

"And there goes my lunch." Draco handed Harry his wand. "Please. Obliviate me. Now."

"Me first." Harry said before shaking his head and turning back to his fic. He frowned and grunted. "Why is it," he asked Draco, distracting the blond from his disturbing thoughts, "that when we're together, I'm always completely gay, but you get to be bi?"

Draco shrugged. "You're my bitch."

"Given that you tend to be the girl most of the time, I don't see how."

"How am I the woman?"

"Ooh, don't touch my hair! I bruise easily! I'm just a poor, mis-understood son of a Death Eater, pity me! Oh, not the face! What did I say? Don't touch the hair! I'm - ouch, Draco, that hurt!"

"Good."

Harry glared for a moment, but couldn't help the smile that broke his face at the adorable pout on Draco's face.

_I am not pouting!_

_Yes, you are!_

_Wait a minute,_ Draco thought, _you can hear me?_

_Would appear so.___

_Why?_

_Fic writer's prerogative?___

_People write fic where we can read each other's minds?_ Draco asked aghast.

_Haven't you read _Gold Tinted Spectacles?_ Or Adamo Redamo? I'm sure I gave them to you._

Draco frowned. _I started the Adamo one, but was disturbed by the thought of reading Weasley's mind, so I stopped._ Draco shuddered. _We were friends._ He said, as if it were a poisonous thought._ I got worried._

Harry smiled and kissed him. _It was us that got together, you know._

"I didn't think otherwise! The very thought of me and the Weasel is disgusting!"

Harry laughed. Ron looked ill. Everyone else looked confused.

"Wait a minute," Draco said, "if the telepathy is fic related…"

Harry's eyes widened and they both looked up, suddenly realising that there was no ceiling. The roof just kept on going until there was nothing put a point in the distance. "Are we in a fic now?"

"Wait a minute," Ron asked, oblivious to the dilemma that Harry and Draco were having. "Where's Hermione?"

"More to the point," George continued. "Where are Hermione and Snape?"

* * *

TBC…?

Seriously. Someone stop me. I'm just going to keep on going. I borrowed Purple_Shoes' muse but he joined my muses and they ganged up on me. *sigh* I promise to have something substantial written soon. I'm in the process of rewriting chapter 3 of Every Little Thing… so, hopefully not long.

For those that don't know. I'm offline this week (except to update) so that I can try to get my homework done, and some fic written…we'll see how that one goes! ;)

Fic List  - again, all fics mentioned are fabby! Go! Read!

Second Chances is by kishijoten

Veils of Illusion is by Rilla

A Night In Paris by purebloodgryffindor

Gold Tinted Spectacles is by Beren

Adamo Redamo is by Jedi Ginny

And I know it's not Harry Potter, but the Very Secret Diaries are definately worth being mentioned! They're by Cassandra Claire. GO! READ!

If you can think of a fic I can get something out of to mention in the next part (if I write more!), rec me! ;)


End file.
